Getting older is messy.
Yesterday, for the first time, I braided the grey afro on my ass. It’s looks better than I thought it would, in spite of its disturbing resemblance to Willie Nelson.
Not coincidentally, it was also the first time my ass had an eyeball to eyeball with the back of my knee. I think they’re going to be good friends, and, as a side benefit, in these politically correct times, they’re the poster children for acceptance and inclusion. Interested parties in promotional opportunities should contact me, their father. Viewer discretion is advised.
So, as you can imagine, the advantages of getting older is more than skin deep.
Yes, it takes digging – more than what I want to admit – but it’s important archeology.
Without it, I’m a prisoner of perspective and society. I’m over the hill. I’m riding off into the sunset. I’m out to pasture. His best days are behind him…
Like most things in life, we need a reframe, a way to see the beauty in the banal. The most important prayer is ” thanks.” The second most is “help me to see things differently.”
I’m not getting older; I have a chance to become who I am. I’m not boring; I’m focused on what’s important. I’m not slow; I walk with intention and attention. You get the idea.
Peeling back the onion gave me new layers. It started a new story.
If we want to thrive after 50, make the second half the best half, you’ll need a new story. The old one will lead to anxiety and lethargy.
As Jung said, “…we cannot live the afternoon of life according to the program of life’s morning; for what was great in the morning will be little at evening, and what in the morning was true will at evening have become a lie.” We can’t live a lie.
So, I did some digging. What is my new story? What are reframes? Here’s my big 3.
1. I’M BECOMING WHO I AM
I am, at my core, spectacular and messy. I’m more than I know, and I’m more habitual than I know.
My potential has potential and my habits have habits.
In my younger years, not having my shit together would lead to anxiety and shame. Now, it’s a party, and everyone is invited.
As Whitman said, “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.”
He’s right.There’s more there there. I’m not a well woven thread; I’m a rough hewn tapestry.
When I was younger, I wanted to push this down. Push that down. That’s not cool. That doesn’t fit with my self image… That won’t go well with my family and friends…
Screw it. I’m letting my freak flag fly. I watch myself and it’s fascinating. I’m Sybil on steroids. I’m enough quirky characters for a Wes Anderson movie.
Blake was right. The universe is in a grain of sand. Yes, what made the lion made the lamb. I’m living proof.
This self awareness and acceptance has two main advantages. First, I’m never bored. I just watch the shit show. This voice talks to that voice.
This part of me wants to hide. That part wants to play cello at an open mic night. It’s amazing that I make it out of bed.
Second, if I’m this interesting, imagine what’s going on around me. Everyone is a walking, talking circus.
So, I find others interesting. Their stories, told and untold, are fascinating.
In general, in seeing myself as deeper and larger, in letting go of my egocentricity, I enjoy life more. I open more. I shrivel less.
2. I’m Closer To The Screw It Zone.
Shame holds me hostage.
As Brene Brown says, Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” It stops me from living my most creative, dynamic, memorable life.
What will my family think? What will my friends think? He thinks he’s all that. He thinks he’s special. He’s not that good of a fill in the blank. On and on. Maybe you know the feeling.
On the other side of shame is the screw it zone. That’s the zone where shame doesn’t stop you from becoming you, from living your larger life, where you do your most important work, where you are your most creative, loving, dynamic… self.
Maybe you have thought: screw it. I’m going to to do it anyway. I’m going to share my gift and experience in some way that makes a difference. I’m going to,
as Seth Godin says, cause a ruckus.
Maybe you’ve had this feeling. My mom, spouse, kids, society… won’t be happy, but it’s more important that I live my life instead of living someone else’s life. I’m not going to let regret win.
Getting older, from the Screw It Zone, everything is brighter. I’m not worried about impressing anyone. I’m grateful for smaller things. I find awe in small moments. This moment becomes enough.
Don’t get me wrong. The voices of shame are still there, some louder than others. But, they pass quicker and they lost their megaphone. They’re a caution sign, not a stop sign, a friend, not a foe. See number 1.
3. My Best Life Is In Service of Life
Finally, it’s not about me. Well, maybe it’s still about me a bit. Maybe I’m not the sun any more, but I’m still a mid size planet.
Still, in getting older, I have this experience of being less a small me and more of a big me, less an anxious me and more of a loving for no reason me.
In Jungian terms, I’m less of a self and more of Self. Finally, I’m not so wrapped up in my own bullshit. I get over myself easier.
I think Campbell was right. What we want is the experience of being truly alive, inside resonating with the outside so that we experience the rapture of life.
I have my solo rapture moments: photographing the Grand Canyon, goosebump music, moments that take your breath away…
Still, as I age, more and more, these moments of resonance involve the day to day, the secular that turns sacred: a smile, a touch, unexpected and unrequited kindness, connections that make me whisper “holy fuck.”
I find also find this in big projects and small, from starting and growing a small business or non profit, to holding holding hands, to taking care of my garden.
The more I’m in service, the more I resonate. The more I live from my shriveled self, the more disconnect I feel.
Of course, it’s only taken me 50 years or so to get here. I’m thankful for this time, for this opportunity to experience the rapture of life.
As Jung said, “It’s the privilege of a lifetime to become who you truly are.”
What are your 3 sublime advantages to getting older?
Enjoy your privilege.
Best,
Mike
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